[After I wrote this I realized it was sort of a prayer. Hmmm...go figure. I don't pray anymore...]
Dear God…
I know that you never give us more than we can handle. I know that I can handle this…but sometimes I wonder why it’s as hard as it is. My life is so easy compared to some people’s…yet I sit here and feel bad because someone that was so important to me is gone.
There is an energy missing from this house…which used to feel much more like a home to me. When I set the dinner table I pause over her place…and remind myself that “no”…she won’t be joining us tonight.
I write things that touch people…and some even tell me I’m helping them…yet I can’t show her how good that makes me feel. I swear most of the things I’ve done were to make her proud…and now I must do it for myself…and I will.
I want so badly to just hear her voice one more time…to dance in the kitchen the way we used to…and listen to the rain on the roof as we poked fun at each other. I want to go to bed late the way I used to…and see her there…safe and sweet and living with a quiet strength that showed me how much more I really have to learn.
I want so many things that won’t be…and I accept that…and I suppose that’s the key to growth. But once in a while I want to share these things because they are real and they are happening…and so it’s a part of my life. (For now anyway…)
I’m not even sure why I publish these kinds of posts. Maybe because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these days…these sad ones…are molding me…and helping me “become.” For that I am thankful…because I have faith that there is meaning here…in these times…and as it unfolds I can show others that getting through tough times can and will lead to better days.
I am a bit sad these days because I’ve been forced to continue on without her…and despite some of my actions to the contrary…she meant the world to me. I miss her and I can be sad about that…so I am. (Don’t worry…I’m not going to stay here. Living is too great a thing…I won’t spend it wishing for things that are no longer and can never be.)
So…you know…thanks for listening, God.
Oh…and please let other people know that they are not alone…and their lives matter…and they’ll get through and learn and be more than they ever thought they could be. It’s freakin’ amazing isn’t it?
A
Powerful as usual. I can really feel your writing, which makes you more than an author and more like a poet. You have the best in you and you are sharing it with all of us.
I’m sure the loss is incredibly hard… thanks for keeping the rest of us inspired with your journey. You see for me, life is an important time to become something more than myself. Your story is unfolding still and that is powerful for me to remember that about myself too.
Aw man…100%! That’s exactly it, Seth. We all have and are living a story…some of it in our control…and other parts not. It’s like there is something inside us that forces us in one direction or another…and if we feel that pull (or push) and let it take us…well…we’ll fulfill the story we’re here to tell.
This is all so strange to me because before cancer I was part of the other world…the one that teaches us whatever we want we can have…provided we plan and dream and think enough about it. That’s true to some extent…but I’m here to tell you that there are unseen forces that can completely shut down the dreams of our brain…maybe because it’s the best for us. I don’t know yet…but that’s what I’m going with until I do…
Thanks for the comment, Seth. Go get ‘em buddy! (Love your blog…still…)
Andy,
I’m sure these are difficult days for you as you try to establish new routines, and yet, still hang on to the beautiful memories that you shared with Laura. I certainly haven’t experienced the kind of loss that you have. I have no idea of the depth of your pain. I would think that the real struggle is finding peace amidst this trial.
I believe wholeheartedly that true peace can only come through trusting in Jesus as our Savior. Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
There are plenty of alternatives out there that can provide peace for a time, but only Jesus can give us peace with God-regardless of our circumstances in this life.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
(Romans 5:1-8)
Obviously, I’m not trying to take away your pain by sharing this. I’m just offering a source of hope and peace that I’ve personally come to know in Jesus.
Jody those are nice passages to share…thank you for taking the time and putting forth the effort to do so. While I’m not a practicing catholic the way I used to be…I still believe in a higher power…call it Buddha…Jesus…God…whatever you want…I think ultimately it boils down to trusting this higher power…and letting go of the preconceived endings we construct. (Call it faith…) Living now…the good and the bad…is a sure sign of that faith…and it helps get us through the not-so-nice times.
Yes…the real struggle is finding peace in this trial…but for all of us…it’s finding peace even when there isn’t a trial. Now that’s living…
Thanks!
Love the transparency and vulnerability Andy. I can relate to the things you write about in this post.
Thanks, Bob. I’m glad you visited again. We share something in common…even though we’d rather not. Stay cool…
Wow, Andy Koehn… You truly are an amazing person… you inspire us all…
Why thank you, Kris. I hope we all can help each other get the most out of this life. That’s my evil plan…to remind us all that no matter what…we have a NOW to contend with…and we’re lucky…even though it hurts pretty bad sometimes. (Ya’ know…we’re lucky people in the end. We have so much to give our world…if only we let it come out…)
I find it amazing you all read this and are helping me through. Thank you!
Andy, I can’t tell you how much reading this means to me. Your willingness to put it down, to share it and to BE where you are informs me as to my path and what I am called to be. Like you I can be vulnerable….right now I am wondering and wandering at the present.
Thanks for illuminating the way.
In the Spirit, Jon
Jon…how great that you found this…and how great that it has something to say to you! “Wondering and wandering at the present…” THAT is both poetic and telling. Thanks so much for stopping by. (Feel free to subscribe…there’s lots more coming…and much it comes from these conversations…)
Best…
A
What a beautiful post. (It feels kind of silly to call it a “post” for some reason – beautiful passage seems more fitting.) And I loved reading the comments above – what you are sharing here is REALLY important. Don’t forget that.
Laura thank you so much for stopping by and reading! It’s a bit of thrill for me…and I guess I’ll trust you on the REALLY important thing. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that…but then again…sometimes I agree with it.
Regardless…thanks for the help…but more than that…the kind words.
Andy, I am so glad Seth introduced me to your blog. You have an amazing gift in being able to express the thoughts and feelings that so many of us have into words. I truly do believe that we learn more in the “rain” than we do in the sunshine. I am sure you are probably struggling to find a balance, but I can sense you will find it because you are choosing to not to become bitter. I lost my father to cancer and I know this same attitude is what has helped us—especially my mother. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your journey and reminding us all what really matters in life.
LaTosha…I’m glad he introduced you to Thirty Seconds too! We DO learn more in the rain…and I think that’s a key point for all of us to remember. Thanks for saying it as such. (I take a thousand words to say what you said in a few…)
I hope you visit often…and use the Thirty Seconds idea as a way to remind yourself that life is short…and we should live as much of it as we can where we are now. (Even if it’s raining…)
Take care, La Tosha!
Andy,
What an amazing conversation with God you had here! It brought tears to my eyes… I could truly feel it in my heart! You have such an amazing gif, Andyt! It’s really inspiring!
I hope God gives you peace and strength in the “middle of the storm.” I’ll pray for that.
Keep smiling my dear friend
Evelyn
Evelyn I always love getting your comments! Thanks again…and I there is some peace in the middle of this storm…though I can’t fully explain it. Maybe it’s from people like you…
I WILL keep smiling. You too
such a poignant post… I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find the tiniest bit of empowerment in the depth and beauty you share with others.
Thank you, Chris. Ya’ know…you unintentionally hit the nail on the head. I find empowerment in what I share with others…and I find that it comes from people like you that care enough to make a comment…and tell me I make the tiniest bit of difference. Thanks for that…