Cancer Losers…
I do not wish to offend.
This has been bugging me for a long time. The idea that someone “lost” their battle with cancer. In this case it’s not someone…it’s Laura. She didn’t lose…and I resent it when someone says that to me. I understand where that comes from because people don’t mean it in any other way than, “It totally sucks that she went through what she went through and didn’t live.”
Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying (some of you still will). You mean it in the most caring way and I know that and I’m not ungrateful. I’m just saying that she didn’t lose…she died. We all die one way or another. Some of us happen to die from cancer. We don’t lose our lives…our time in this world ends. It’s as simple as that.
I read magazine articles and blog posts…watch and attend fund raisers…donate money to “the cause” and all that…and everywhere and all the time there are survivors in heroic poses with powerful headlines like, “I beat cancer.” Or, “I WILL win this fight,” or “I kicked cancer’s butt!” There is an unwritten footnote behind all of these…and that is that these people have more of what it takes to suffer through the treatments and survive. There is pride there and deservedly so. But where does that leave the Laura’s of the world?
I’ve been struggling with this anger for months…maybe even years. I’ve been trying to find an example of what I think of people who fight…and work…and pray…and get sick…and lose their hair…body parts and dignity but end up dying anyway. I want it for me and anyone else who is left standing in awe at what they’ve witnessed first hand. I am proud of Laura and what she accomplished through it all. She is more of a man than I’ll ever be.
The Iron Man
I was brushing my teeth this morning and I found my example. I know how I am going to position the Laura’s in my head…and it comes from something I saw years and years ago on television. Cue memory bank:
I was in my teens…watching the 1982 Iron Man competition on ABC’s Wide World of Sports. There was a young woman named Julie Moss who literally crawled across the finish line…her body wasted by the physical assault she endured in the race. She was the heroic story that eclipsed the winner and the camera’s followed her as she finally reached the end. She didn’t win…but she sure as hell didn’t lose either.
Now…so many years later…that moving finish is how I choose to see all the men and women who “lost” their fight to cancer. Keep that in mind as you watch this.
There is no win or lose when it comes to being alive. You don’t “lose” a life…you’re life in this form comes to an end. That’s not a glum statement either…it’s just fact. How we live our life and approach the finish line is a measure of how grateful we are to be in the race at all. Sooner or later we’re all going to cross that finish line. I intend to run/walk/crawl until I do…because even though I’ve stumbled and fallen from time-to-time I’m damn glad to still be in the race.
[My sympathies to anyone who "lost" a loved one to cancer, or heart failure, or any of the countless ways it happens. That's not the kind of lose I'm referring to here.]
hi andy…
sometimes you just amaze me with how you view life and death. i know that my husband, if given a choice, would still be here with us. he lived life to the fullest and the only thing he will miss out on is walking our daughter down the isle when she gets married. michael was 56 when he died last year and i will always say that he got 80 years out of those 56 years. i believe that death should be a celebration of one’s life. that is exactly what i did for him…had a celebration of his life. so many people came to say good bye to him and to honor him. he was an amazaing person that didn’t always do the “right” things….but he learned from his mistakes, made amends and sought to always make others feel special and loved. he certainly did that for me! i will miss him until the day i die and can’t ever think of anyone taking his place. he made it across his finish line anyway he could. if he would have known that he was going to die so quicklly i think he would have fought it with all his might. i guess there are just some things you are not supposed to know.
as always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, they never cease to help me in my grief.
alaine
It’s a 2 way street, Alaine. I write…you read…and we share and it makes things just a tiny bit less grey. Thanks…as always…
WOW!! This was so powerful!! I don’t know what to say…of course Laura or anyone else that has died from cancer didn’t “lose the battle”!! They WON each precious moment that make up what we call life because they got to be aware of the frailities of our human bodies and ACCEPT it. THAT to me, is freedom. Maybe those that do transcend knows something we don’t….maybe, they are infact the winners!
What we should celebrate is the time we shared with them in the race!
Keep going Andy!
Love n’ Light,
Helen
That’s kind of where I am, Helen. Knowing we ran together for a long time. Now I’m running alone…but I think that’s something we learn in life as well. We’re never alone…but we’re alone at the same time. (That’s stupid Andy talk…)
Thanks for reading of course. Hope you’re loving your new “home.” You’re running a heck of a race yourself
Thanks dear, yeah I’m running alone for now but I can’t wait to find a sparring partner, that will both challenge me and cheer for me, during the ups and downs. I loved the video of Julie Moss. What a man!
Have a wonderful week!
.-= Helen´s last blog ..I ♥ Cape Town =-.
What a powerful and effective visual, Andy. I remember this footage. It truly does exemplify Laura’s humble journey of strength, hope and determination of which you can be proud.
I’m very proud, Suze. Thanks for reading and commenting. (Crazy footage, huh?)
Andy,
I am very moved by your idea on this subject. As you know I have met more than my fair share of people with cancer. You’re right, there aren’t any losers regardless of the outcome.
I have found cancer patients and cancer survivors invariably have one trait that sets them apart from the rest of us (and it’s not the disease); they really learn how to live. They get their priorities straight and don’t say yes when they want to say no! It’s amazing to see someone’s light shine so bright. It’s a blessing really.
In less than 2 months my mom will be gone for 30 years. This year I turned the age she was when she died. I’ll never be over it, I can live with it but it’s always with me. She’s always with me.
I saw a grave stone in an old Moravian cemetery in North Carolina, it said “Slumber sweetly for God knew best when to call you home.” I find much comfort in that. Life is a journey, not a race. Cancer is an enemy, but it’s how we live that’s important.
Thanks Andy.
Stephanie this means quite a bit coming from you. Your mom has become the icon around which the entire breast cancer movement (at least that’s how I see it) and you have more insight into this than I do…given the number of people you’ve been exposed to over the years. Life isn’t a race…you’re right. Sometimes I feel like it though. Maybe it starts to feel like that when cancer comes to your house because of the people that are rooting for you. (Again…it’s all appreciated! It helps…it does.) You can start to feel very different…that others are watching and not participating in the same kind of life. Now that Laura is gone I feel a bit of pressure to get the most out of life that I can. That’s probably stupid…and I’ve written it before…I should go with the flow instead of pushing to make it happen.
I’ll have you know my 2 youngest are talking to me as I write this so it may be a bit disjointed. Ah…life. A great thing! (Journey…)
Take care and thanks, Stephanie
I do get what you are saying. I understand it. On the last day of my chemo I got a certificate that called me a survivor. It was the first time that word was used toward me. I didn’t feel like one. I never feel like cancer leaves me. I’m in remission for two years but I feel it constantly taunts me. It’s always there, waiting. Yeah I think of it as an enemy. I say I beat it. I say I kicked it’s ass…but that’s just tough talk. Really all of us know it could come back and take any one of us at any time. When I see what it did to my dad, yeah. I am mad and I saw it kick my dad’s ass. I watched it and I get angry about that. I am mad and don’t even want to call myself a survivor much of the time because then I look at my dad and what happened to him and it seems so trivial. It’s hard. I can’t stop fighting it…ever. That’s why I’m going to work in Oncology. It will always be a part of my life and hopefully one day I’ll be around when they find a cure. Until then, I’ll go on calling myself a survivor, waiting and hoping it never comes back.
Of course you’re a survivor, Sandi. You deserve every bit of credit you get and give yourself. It’s such a crappy existence through all the treatments…and waiting and wondering. It’s an amazingly mean disease, isn’t it? I always thought that to myself, “How can you be so mean?” I don’t want to take anything away from those people (like you) that suffered through all that junk…and are here to tell about it when you want to…or not. I can’t talk about that at all because I’m not the one who had the cancer. I can only speak about what I feel and in sense I’m defending Laura and others like her who tried everything she could to be here for her family…but “lost” anyway.
I get the verbiage and why it’s used. I just don’t want any of us to speak it too easily. Maybe just want us to think about it a little deeper.
I didn’t realize you were going into oncology. You are bad-ass for sure…
And I don’t want to take anything from those that supposedly “lost” either Andy. My dad was no loser. He was a fighter but honestly he didn’t even get a chance to fight. Pancreatic cancer took him so fast it was like none of us saw it coming. We never had a chance. I wanted so much to help him. I kept telling him it would be ok, never believing it could possibly be so bad and then he was gone. Regardless, I know what you feel. I know what you mean. I held his hand as he died. It is hard, but he definitely was no loser. He was so happy when I got better. So excited and so proud of his granddaughter. It’s like a cruel joke you know…that he didn’t get to stick around and enjoy it for long. Yes…oncology is where I’ll be. I knew I wanted to be a nurse but halfway through my treatments, watching them inject me with that blood red medicine, I just knew it was what I was supposed to do with my life. So I will. I will continue to fight it as long as I live.
And isn’t that the most amazing thing, Sandi? The moment you “knew”? I give you credit for taking the next step…which is doing what you need to do to get there. (The onc nurses were some of the best. I don’t know how they do it…but most tend to love what they do. My niece is one…and she says the same thing. Amazing to me…)
Keep plugging. I look forward to the FB announcement that you graduated
Andy…I am a 13 yr. survivor of Hodgkin’s disease and have engrossed myself in cancer support work ever since. People always think that the thing cancer people do is die….but I always say that cancer people actually know how to LIVE like nobody else! When I had my cancer, I related to other people, soul-to-soul. Now that I’m “normal” again (I use this term loosely!), it is a constant challenge to relate to people in that honest way. There are actually times when I miss having my disease (I know this sounds truly crazy!) because I feel like I truly learned to LIVE the way God intended for me.
Clearly you know more than I do about living with cancer, Maria…and I’m glad you’re here to talk about it. It’s funny because today I was at a drive-through and saw a young girl with a bandanna on…clearly because of hair loss from chemo…and it struck me how soon we forget. I am forgetting how lonely that can be…even if she did have a big old smile on her face. I’m glad I noticed her because it reminded me once more about all the nonsense we put ourselves through when we don’t have the guts to step up and communicate the way we want. (We don’t have to rude. I’m not suggesting that.) LIVING…not sure how many of us are really doing that…but I sure as hell am trying