Grave Thoughts.
I’m sitting next to Laura’s grave site…writing on this beautiful, balmy, billowy Sunday afternoon. I’m sort of proud of her spot because it was one of the first decisions I made by myself after she was gone and I know she’d approve. It’s under the canopy of a majestic oak tree so it’s almost romantic in a sad kind of way.
I have yet to arrange for a proper headstone. I have some designs that I picked out at the local monument place…but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Her parents placed a make-shift marker over her ashes which will do nicely until I pull the trigger on a more formal identifier. It’s a flat piece of field stone engraved with:
“Meet ya’ at the park path”
In Memory of
Laura Wolf Koehn
It’s almost too perfect and I’m beginning to wonder if she would even want anything more than that. I’m not in any hurry to get that headstone. It’s a big part of this world but I doubt it has anything to do with hers.
I sit here…waiting for inspiration…for something BIG to come into my head. Something I can use to make life better for all of us. Nothing is coming. My mind is completely blank and I catch myself trying to force my thoughts down a path that will lead to an epiphany. No. That’s not quite it. Maybe I want to have something less “A-ha!” and something quieter like, “Yes. Now I understand.”
I’m not going to make myself think…so I’ll just sit here in the silence with a blank mind and breathe. I don’t want to leave here because when I’m done with these visits I feel like I’m leaving Laura behind…alone.
It’s what I must do though, isn’t it? There is so much to do and I have to go with the flow of life…because to stay here with the dead…physically and figuratively…is to fight the inevitable and sometimes impossible movement of life. I’m still in this world…and so I must go. I hope she understands…I think she does.
So sad, and so beautiful, Andy. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Thanks, Sherri. We’re good…promise. A lot to learn and do and get through…but I know we will. Have a great day…
thanks for sharing andy…it is all so hard. sometimes i just feel like i am drowning in grief. i keep wondering when it will stop. i keep going although it is so hard some days. my kids are all grown and on their own. my grandaughters (8 and 9) are getting lives of their own. my parents are gone. because michael died so suddenly i feel like i am left without a purpose. somehow you seem to always find a way to fill that void and i like to hear about that. you are an inspiration to me. i am sure i do have another purpose…i am just not there yet.
thanks again for sharing!
alaine
I hate the pain and sorrow you are going through. I know it’s empty. I wish there was more I could do. Actually…maybe I can suggest a couple of books that help me quite a bit: “Conversations with God,” and “The Power of Now.”. I’ve read them both countless times and I promise you if you immerse yourself in them your sadness will be a tiny bit less in your face. I think I even have them as a link here in the “books” tab.
Take care Alaine. I’m routing for you…
Andy
Our church holds a Memorial Day service every year at the cemetary and every year (Number three this year) I reflect on how different life is now. How could it be changing when I feel many of the same emotions? I can leave no one at the grave. I choose to see them asleep, awaiing the new day. The tears now seem to wash away cloudiness and reveal a clearer vision of today. Yesterday was so important as a foundation of my life and relationships. However, to live in those days reduces my potential of creating todays. I do need to create to reveal that I am alive. I must pursue creative commitments for today and even for tomorrow. Whilst I am seperated, I want to show the time has been well invested. Investing in tomorrow by living today, and remembering yesterday.
Your words are a wonderful stone in my pond that allows me to step out and perhaps a little deeper. Many words are hidden, waiting to test my Faith and willingness to find them. Together, we are moving.
“Investing in tomorrow by living today, and remembering yesterday.” That is some profound stuff right there, Wes. I really, really like that. We are moving together…whether all of us see that or not. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
.-= akoehn´s last blog ..Happiness… =-.
Brought back some memories of those times I would visit my wife’s grave. Like Laura’s it is also close to a tree. I haven’t visited lately but your post got me thinking that I should this weekend.
Thanks so much for sharing a bit of your life and your heart with us Andy. I hope the coming days, weeks and months bring you to a place where you remember your lives together and celebrate those memories.
.-= Kansas Bob´s last blog ..Does Time Heal All Wounds? =-.
We are absolutely getting there, Bob. Thanks so much. Hope you have a nice visit…
Andy,
It has been a while since I have corresponded. A lot has happened these last few months. First, I took a temporary assignment with my employer to Baltimore, MD. Drove out here from Seattle, me and my dog — ROAD TRIP! Who would have guessed that I would do something like that? Second, I got accepted into Graduate School and start in August. I am working on my book — and that is going to be my graduate thesis project. It is exciting as I plod through that ordeal. Third, I am actually able to smile again when I think of Douglas. Do I still have tears? Yes, but they are mostly tears of happy now. His birthday is the 28th of this month and our anniversary is July 9th. I will be able to celebrate those days with my family in NC. So, I believe that Douglas was very involved with my coming to Baltimore. He knows I need MY family now. It is hard to believe that he has been gone a year next month. A lot has happened to and for me. It is okay for me to move forward (especially since I can feel Douglas “pushing” me along). I am not leaving him behind, he is with me every day. Thank you for this site and for your inspirational words. It is encouraging to me to “get that book” done — and to find happiness in doing so.
In peace and friendship,
Brigitte
Ahhhh, Brigitte…what a great thing to see and read. I’ll bet that drive helped you get a lot of thoughts straight. It really is encouraging to hear that someone is able to move forward after suffering such a heart breaking thing…so thanks for sharing. A new locale…graduate school which will double as a way for you to write your book….and your husband close at hand…closer because he’s inside your heart. Things are looking up….and how excellent to be in that position. Now please…continue to kick some butt, OK? Don’t be a stranger. (And you better let me know when your book is done
)