Guilty Pleasures…
I didn’t learn anything today so I’m just writing whatever pops in my little head. Actually that’s not true. I think I felt lucky today. I love that feeling…though oftentimes it quickly turns into guilt.
It’s called “survivors guilt” and I remember reading about it once and not grasping at all how a person could feel guilty about living after someone they loved died. So now I know…and it’s not a good thing at all. It holds you back…or it holds ME back anyway…except for today.
I also realized that some of the music I’ve been listening to lately is kind of glum. Maybe not glum…but too froofy. (Which isn’t a word because my spell checker just underlined it with a red squiggly line. I’m going to be rebellious and let it stand. Wow. My freak flag is flying high…)
Sometimes it’s best to throw on some Stones or Stone Temple Pilots or any band with the name “stone” in it and turn up the volume and let your ear drums rattle a bit. It might make you feel lucky. Like I said…I love that feeling.
I didn’t know what to think when I first read your posts. At first I was annoyed at your cheerful approach. How could you see humor, hope, and life after? After a few more visits I started to appreciate your insights. I find you on one of the harder days, my sons birthday, 14 months after he passed. It felt like most of the world had forgotten him. Only I continue to mourn. My son had been sick most of his life. We had gone through so much together. Because of the level of care we shared a closeness that is rare. The last 18 years was all dedicated to him. I am feeling so lost. Guilt. Anger. So many emotions.
Sorry clicked the wrong button. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to share positive thoughts and hope to the many broken hearts.
I’m sorry it took so long to respond to you, Lori. Your comment has been sticking in my head since you left it. I can’t tell you much of anything that you don’t already know…but what I DO know is that everyone deals with loss differently. Maybe I’m lucky because I can see some “good” things that come from a deep loss. I could be delusional…but I want to believe that our life…yours and mine…is worth living. Clearly we know it is…but worth living with some joy and light heartedness. (Apparently that’s not a word because there is a red squiggly line under it.)
I know those emotions…even did a quick post today on guilt. It’s draining…and so hard. I feel bad for you and hope very much that you continue to find at least a shred of something that will help you get through each day on your way to feeling better about this world…even though your son isn’t in it.
I want to recommend you read, “Conversations with God,” if you haven’t already. It helped me quite a bit. It doesn’t matter what your religious beliefs are…you can take what you like and leave the rest. I’m just saying that it comforts me about so many things…one of them being death and the hereafter.
I’m just a guy sharing his thoughts and observations. I’m nothing more than that…and don’t pretend to be. I guess sometimes I can put what people are feeling into words and I’m thankful for that. Please visit and comment as much as you want. (I also want to thank you for your candor.) Remember to take care of yourself…
akoehn´s last blog ..Say Hello to My Little Friend.
Andy-glad to hear March 2 was a good day for you. Hope today is just as good. Take care!
I will take care and you be sure to do the same. I love it when you pop in!