Happiness. I didn’t know it could happen again. I’m not out of the woods by any means…but as time passes and new people and events enter my life I’m starting to feel hopeful that the next chapter of my life will be different in a deep way.
I’m not saying “better” because that’s a judgment call. If I’ve learned anything it’s that many of the things we call good or bad rarely stay that way in our heads. What is good today turns out to be bad tomorrow…and vice versa. And so I’m taking this new/old feeling and letting it happen.
Not so fast.
Unfortunately I carry equal parts of guilt around with me. How can I feel “good” when Laura isn’t here to see the things I see? She didn’t get to see her oldest daughter light up the room…beaming as she entered in her elegant prom dress. (Which cost WAY too much BTW.) Our 13 year old is coming into her own…bold and secure in who she is…which is rare for a girl that age…or so I’m told. My 9 year old still pieces together random songs to make something new…always beautifully sad and candid about the mom she misses so much. And our son…big hearted and clever…yet living with an empty space he has yet to acknowledge.
I know these things…and I am blessed to witness them and learn from them…and weep over them. How can I be happy in the midst of this and so many other things that make this life so intensely great? Yet I am…because I refuse to let this guilt and the “what if’s” win.
The Outsiders.
There is another more sinister but unadmitted issue at hand and it’s not coming from me. It comes from people on the outside who write their own story about what it must be like…and how I should act and for how long. A year seems to be the going rate. (I’ve heard it several times.)
Apparently I should be wrecked for about a year before I begin to s-l-o-w-l-y pick up the pieces and be happy again. Really? Thanks for that. Thanks for the nice, neat, clean and predictable plan on the “right” way to proceed. If it sounds like I’m a little miffed it’s because I am. I resent anyone who begrudges another person their happiness.
The last 4 years were brutal…especially for a head case like me. I have a different way of looking at life and I will proceed with the new found knowledge I’ve gained from the last chapter of mine and Laura’s life together. By all accounts those were some pretty “bad” years…but I am a better man than I was before. I guess that’s “good”.
For those of you that ask yourselves, “How can he be happy so soon after his wife’s death?” I have this to say: How can I NOT be? This is my one life and I’m making it through this loss better than I imagined I could. I appreciate all that I have and I couldn’t always say that. I am alive and I don’t just mean I’m breathing. I feel Laura more now than I have in quite some time…and I know she is living as well. She is safe…and I take comfort in that realization.
So, yeah…I’m happy. Like I said…I’m going to let it roll because I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend anymore time than I have to feeling sad. Believe me that’s easier said than done…but isn’t that true for anything worthwhile?
Your life with Laura was a gift and each day we receive more gifts that should be opened to enjoy. So unwrap the new and enjoy. Laura was a happy person and would want you and the children to smile and live a happy life…
Of course you’re right, Karen. Really I am lucky and I know it so why can’t I show it? (Kind of like, “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.” Guess it’s OK to do it when you’re like 6 or 7, huh? I don’t care…I’m gonna’ show it anyway. I show sad too…Mr. Transparent.) Thanks for this…
The grieving process is just that-a process. There is no time line to follow, no specifics, just you allowing yourself to go through whatever it is you need to go through. So if in 5 years you find yourself weeping over something, does that mean you didn’t allow yourself the proper time? Hell no! It’s your life, do with it what you will. Moving on and starting to be happy again by “living” doesn’t mean forgetting. We never forget, we just keep going, growing and taking those memories with us every step of the way. I’m glad to hear you’re allowing yourself to be happy-to FEEL happy. Laura would most likely not want it any other way. Plus, you’re an example for your kids. Take care bud!
I know she wouldn’t want it any other way, Ann. Seriously…I don’t want it any other way for anyone else either. I don’t even think people are aware of it…but there are many, many of us who are jealous…or envious…or whatever and don’t particularly like it when someone else seems happy. Just another lesson I guess. Thanks for the comment!
.-= akoehn´s last blog ..No Pressure…No Diamonds. =-.
Hi Andy! I haven’t left a message in a long time! That doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped following your blog
As a matter of fact, it’s my favorite!
I’m so glad to read this lines you put together. It’s so honest! I can certainly feel your energy of love, happinnes and peace in my heart! It’s amazing and beautiful! Good for you!
Keep smiling!
Evelyn
Evelyn! How are you? I miss you on here…and Twitter too! Thanks for the vote of confidence. You keep smiling too
.-= akoehn´s last blog ..Knocked Silly. =-.
I promise to keep reading and posting messages, Andy. If not here, on Facebook (where I follow you too). I haven’t been on Twitter much. I have to go back to it. Just not enough time… :s
Your messages have always kept me going! I still have “Don’t Back Down!” on my corkboard as a reminder! So thank you for sharing your thoughts and positive energy with us! I’m sending a big virtual hug for you!
Evelyn
PS: I find myself smiling now more than ever! As you said, I’m showing my happiness everyday and I don’t care if somebody is jealous about it! That’s their problem!
Forget the outsiders Andy.
.-= Agnes´s last blog ..Life on caffeine =-.
Amen, sister…
Andy,I’m still praying for you and your family.My prayer is for great big doses of joy comes to you and your family. Happiness I am told is caught up in what happens. Joy comes from God to sustain us thru our 30 seconds here on earth! May you experience a steady piece of joy with each beat of your heart. God Bless from Cindy in Indiana.
You are so sweet Cindy in Indiana. Thank for even caring…and I get what you’re saying about happiness vs. joy. I’ll take happiness for now…joy when it comes. And I believe it will…
Thank you Andy, Go grab it with both hands! Have a great weekend. Cindy in Indiana.
it gives me hope when i see that you feel happy. i have not felt happy for almost ten months now…maybe because my husband was the healthiest person on earth and he died anyway…from what i read sudden loss is a tough one to deal with. my husband was full of life and got 80 years out of his actual 56 years. maybe that will help me to move on….i liked our life and feel like the rug was pulled out from under me….i do know that death is part of life and michael died having a great day on vacation! he is always with me and he even makes me laugh when i am crying. it is interesting how so many positive people have come into my life because i continue to take one new step each day. i really want answers but i don’t think i am going to get them at this point. someday they will come…thanks for sharing your happiness andy!
Alaine I know how hard it is…at least I know hard it is for me. We have similar feelings but of course we have our unique pains and memories so they are different. I don’t know much about grief other than what I’ve read and felt myself…and it sucks to lose someone and you hit it on the head when you said it “feels like the rug was pulled out from under me.” It’s so hard to get our bearings back and if you’re like me it’s scary to think about continuing w/o that person…we owe it to ourselves and our circle of influence to become stronger versions of who we were. That’s how I feel anyway. I wish I was never given this “gift” of growth…but here it is…so I guess I better open it.
As for answers I think you’re right…won’t get them at this point so we should move on with some faith that life wants to grow and expand and since we’re here we might as well accept that and let it take us where it will. It’s not quitting for me…but jumping in with both feet.
Thanks for sharing here Alaine. Please know that I want you to feel happy too. For the record…you and the others here who read and comment helped me get here. I hope knowing that helps you for a little while at least. Take care…and thank you!
Ahhh Andy, You keep on plugging away. God knows, you should take the time to enjoy the life you have with your children. I never knew your Laura, I only know her through your writing…so I say she would NOT begrudge you taking happiness where you find it. In your beautiful children, in your work, in your writing, wherever you find it. Take that happiness. She is smiling for you. Believe that.
Take care.
Joni
I DO believe that, Joni and the “ahhh” part of your comment says it all. Thank you again for reading and the shot in the arm in the form of a comment. You all help me so much. (I almost feel a little guilty. Wish I could do more in return…) Have a great day. It’s one of those semi-warm, drizzly mornings here…I love it.
Hey Andy:
If we exceed the alotted time, what happens? Do we get instant happiness? Not likely. Do we get a do over? Not likely. So I guess we just keeo moving on. If we are indeed traveling on a journey called life, I like to believe we can reach out and grasp happiness from even a spectator window seat. Besides who knows what is the right way to travel. Aren’t there many ways?
There are countless ways to travel…that’s what I think anyway. Laura and I had our life mapped out and I know cancer and her leaving so soon were not part of those plans. So I continue on where we left off…and the journey is different…which shows me that you are 100% right…there is no “right” way…other than to keep on traveling. Thanks, Wes.
.-= akoehn´s last blog ..Knocked Silly. =-.
“live and manifest the highest vision of yourself”
remember, it’s all there…ALL ways!
(midnightsun is shining on me right now, btw)
*smiles for miles*
.-= Helen´s last blog ..(Hitch) hikes and rock climbs =-.