Please indulge me for a little while. So much of what I write and share is self-indulgent BS that ends with some sort of lesson. I don’t think this will be one of them. I can’t put it any simpler than to say that I miss Laura more today than at any other time since she died on August 15th of last year.
I waved off the year mark like it was for other people and I’m surprised by the depth of my feelings as it approaches. I thought I was better than this…stronger than this…but now I see that I have been ignoring the most obvious fact since she died: I miss her.
I found an email that she sent me several months before she died and it set off a series of emotions…tumbling like dominoes…first warmth…then sadness…then anger…helplessness…begging…and finally submission to the fact that I will never see her again.
The email was a list of reasons why she fell in love with me. It was all about ME…my faults…my gifts…the things that make me who I am. I forgot so many of them over this past year and here I was…staring at me through the eyes of my deceased wife. It killed me…and for the first time since she died…I lost it. Completely. I felt proud and humbled at the same time. All I wanted to do was talk to her just one more time…and have her answer…just one more time. It’s not going to happen and I miss her all the more because of it.
Maybe there is a lesson…
If you are married and reading this do something for me. Write a little note to your spouse and tell him or her why you fell in love with them. Feel that connection in spite of the busyness of your life. Feel it BECAUSE of the busyness of your life. There is nothing better in this world than having someone to go through time with. Believe me…I know.
This promises to be an unsettling few days as we lead up to the actual year mark. I’m lost again because I haven’t fully played out the character of grieving widower. I honestly believed I could improvise my way through it but the Universe doesn’t play that way. I guess I don’t have any choice but to see where it takes me and know that it will create an even better me. So…play on you bastard…play on.
To dwell on things that depress or anger us does not help in overcoming them. One must knock them down alone.~Albert Einstein
[Thank you Laura for showing me who and what I really am. Did I have to learn it in such a hard way?]
wow! you just said exactly how i have been feeling! it was one year on july 24 since michael died. his family (big, irish catholic family) had a mass said in his memory, then there was a breakfast at his sister’s house, then we went to the tae kwon do studio to see the wall that his master dedicated to michael after he died. the rest of the day i spent with my kids and grandkids here at my house swimming and then having a birthday dinner for my daughter (her birthday is the week after her dad died). i was hoping that the one year mark would bring some changes that would make my heart lighter…not so…my heart is just as heavy as it was a year ago. i always said that things happen for a reason but i can’t figure out why michael died. i know we are all going to die but he was so healthy…it is all so interesting because we had been on vacation with his family, our kids and grandkids, then we were on vacation with my cousins and at the end of the vacation, the last day, at the end of a beautiful day, he collapsed and died. no warning, nothing….he wanted to die that way but he wanted to make it to 75…instead he made it to 56…it is all still so unbelievable…yet…we know we are all going to die and we don’t get to pick when, where, why or how. he didn’t suffer…although those of us left behind have suffered….life is not fair, we are not in charge of much and we can’t waste time on things that don’t matter to us….that is the lesson i take from michael’s death…sometimes andy it is good to sit with the pain and let it flow through us…i did many things this past year to try and make it more manageable…i think i might take the next year and not do so many things…only what makes me feel good (not much makes me feel good since michael died)…it’s ok not to be tough…those of us that have been through this know that it is not always possible to be tough…we just have have to feel the pain and cry sometimes…and yes you are right, there is not money in being a writer until you are dead!!
Alaine I’m just tired and I know you know what I’m talking about. It’s up and down…every damn day and it’s been that way for 4 years. I’m ready for whatever is supposed to come out of this to come out already! I wish I was that innocent guy I was…cocky…funny…all that stuff before the diagnosis came down. But maybe we’re not supposed to be that way. I can’t tell. I think we’re supposed to give up and let life flow…and even saying that bugs me because I’m not one of those people who talks like that. Maybe I should quit fighting that too and go with it. (I keep talking about “fear”…and how damaging it is. I’m afraid of alienating the people I know and love if I get too far in the other direction.)
No solutions I guess. If you feel deeply it hurts more…and that’s where we are. Maybe I’ll transform myself into a John Wayne kind of guy…
yes…grieving is so incredibly tiring…it is all over the place…up, down, inside out…
you got a head start on grieving because laura was sick…i don’t think that makes it any easier…
i know we will never be who we were because part of us died with laura and michael. my daughter is 26 and her whole world has changed and will never go back to the way it was. katie and her dad were the best of friends.
i think our only choice is to let life flow…so hard for most of us to do…we all think we are in control…i have found that is just an illsuion…for me anyway…
today i miss michael so much i just don’t know how i am going to keep going…i guess that’s is when i let the pain flow through me and try to stay in the moment…easier said than done..
did you ever see john wayne in a movie called “the quiet man”? he wasn’t as tough as most of us think!
thanks for sharing and thanks for listening and thanks for responding!
alaine
I feel your pain, I feel my pain, raw in my chest…thank you for your honesty……sending love to you and yours
Thanks, Meg. I’m working like hell to get happy…but maybe it’s time to just chill…
Andy, You are one of the strongest people I know. The good thing is that you have those wonderful memories with Laura, and although you won’t see her again, you can hold those memories in your heart. It is good to let it all out. Just cry, laugh, scream, sing… whatever gives you just a little peace for that moment. I hope, one day, someone loves me as much as you love Laura. Peace
Thanks, Dani. Be careful about who you choose because you of all people deserve someone who will love you unconditionally. You are a spark in this world…and I’m hoping some of that natural happiness rubs off on me. Keep that. We need it. I need it…
Be good! (Or STAY good…)
Self-indulgent, no … personal, yes — can’t let it go without an encouraging comment. We all appreciate your candor & honesty and only hope that it helps for you to know how much we truly care. We do put a lot of weight on anniversary dates, regardless of the value of everyday. Good or bad, it’s about reliving events in our lives. It’s heart-warming and bittersweet to know that you have a clear memory of your “last playful moment together”.
I’m not going to say “hang in there” cuz I know you will feel it and roll with it your own way. Just know that we’re proud of you for making a difference, we love you all and miss Laura very much.
Thanks, Susie. I love you all too…
Still don’t like those disturbing icons. It doesn’t even look like me.
Andy and Friends
365 days has no power to change anything. The knowledge that you have faced those days and found a new part of you is amazing. Allbeit who really desires to find loneliness, emptiness, and pain. Yet there is still more to discover.
I expect to seek and discover there is more to grief than this and more to Wes than this. You have already found more to Andy and have given a space and voice to that part of you.
You are Andy, the part of a relationship left to tell others about who Laura is and what you are because she was here influencing and loving you. And you let us give voice to our grief and discover we have a story to tell.
People who rush through grief (or deny it’s necessity) miss out on relationships with others who need just what you give. LISTEN AND SPEAK and find joy in the memories. Tell us more about your journey. We want to recognize the future when it comes for us.
Wes man…what an amazing thing you just wrote. Ironically I rushed it…I’m sorry to say. I held things together on the home front as best I could…and denied that crazy pain in my chest through it all. I believe I gained quite a bit over the past year…and I hope I don’t let you down by saying this…but I have a long way to go. I believe this is all pulling me in a direction I was ignoring…namely…that I have lessons to vocalize…that we all learn the hard way. After reading what you just wrote I feel you have the same responsibility. Don’t know though…only you can know that.
Thanks for reading and the incredible comment. And I am starting a new journey now…it’s called ME.
It’s difficult to segregate our emotions and memories into convenient rooms and carry on managing the farm called life and family. To those who have the blessing of patient and loving family, let them hear your humanity called grief. To those whose family is fearful of this side of you and loss, let them hear also, just smaller doses. As grief is spread out over a reasonable time, it becomes managable. Kind of like death. We all know it was coming, but we were helpless to prolong or prevent it’s arrival. So the area we can control is the length and strength of today. I personally know that God holds tomorrow and everything and everyone I have turned over to His care. I have time now to reach out and also to reach within and get a tight grip on Joy to delight and share.
Amen Andy… Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading, Patrick. Hang in there…