Knocked Silly.
I thought about writing some Mother’s Day message here…but I decided that we had to go through it on our own…without an inside peek. What used to be cathartic is now looking self-absorbed…and honestly there isn’t a single thing I’ve written that comes even close to the real thing. Loss and grief can only be done alone. Even though I try to capture it at times you will never really know how I feel or why.
I’m reading “A Grief Observed,” by C.S. Lewis…something he wrote after his wife’s tragic death. This quote could have been written about me:
Nothing will shake a man-or at any rate a man like me-out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover himself.
This death…which for me started when Laura was diagnosed 4 years ago…has shown me more about myself and life than I could have imagined. I have to be true to myself…just as you should be true to yourself. I meet very few people who know who they are…though I sense they have decided what I am…or how I should be…or what I should do. They have no idea who I am. How on earth could they? After all we’ve been through and all I’ve done I’m just starting to figure it out for myself.
In a sense I’m lucky because I’ve been “knocked silly”. I hope you never get that lucky…but if you do…keep taking baby steps and open yourself to the differences your new life has to offer. It is very hard for me…but I keep telling myself that getting through it brings me that much closer to knowing me.
You will see the world differently…and if you’re like me eventually you may actually feel sorry for the majority of people you meet. Not because they were knocked silly…but because they have created a story about who they are and they work desperately to hold onto it…blind to the inevitable changes that can help them grow. That was me. (If this post pisses you off…well…you might want to ask yourself why. I mean no disrespect…I’m just pushing back a bit.)
The needle is starting to point north for me again and I know where I want to go…or more accurately…where I am. I’m a better man/dad/person because of the mistakes I’ve made and the loss of a truly beautiful person. While that may be hard for some people to believe…I honestly don’t care…because I’m getting to know who I am now. I have nothing to prove to you…but I have plenty to prove to myself.
Andy
My favorite quote, which happens to be from a great children’s book, is “Never judge a man til you walk two moons in his moccasins.” I read the book (Walk Two Moons), several times with my kids 10 plus years ago. It is a saying I repeat to myself quite often if judgment starts to rear its ugly head. And the flip side of that coin is to allow others’ judgment to impact me, two big life lessons. I am learning, through hard knocks, through love, through life, that the more I love the ME that I am, the less I care what external thoughts come my way. I cannot control what others do, think, or say, but I can control how much I allow it to penetrate my heart, my mind, and my body. All I can control is my reaction. I am human, and I am on an incredible journey.
Thanks Andy, for your honesty, your words, and another opportunity to express mine. Love to you and your family…..
It’s so interesting how many people tell me that they don’t judge other people. We all do. I trust people more when they admit it. See? There I go…judging. Must be human nature or something. Might be best if we know the whole story before we carry on in whispers and innuendo. You are so right though…we can’t control what others do, think or say…but we can control how much we let it penetrate us. You can express here all you want. You have some very smart things to say. (In my judgment at least
)
I agree, judgment IS human nature. As I said, I have to remind myself when I feel it is not serving my higher purpose. We like something or not based on our judgments. We struggle with it in varying degrees however. Judgments come fast and then pass, or they linger and we share them with others. Either way there they are. It is interesting as humans how we are very willing to accept positive judgments from people, judgments that let us know we are “cool” or “great” or “wise” or “kind.” We eat that up. But when we are judged what we feel is harsh we are taken aback, angry or hurt. I struggle with both sides of the coin myself. The bottom line is to grow to the place, if we choose, where external comments, either positive or negative, do not hold power over us. We are who we are based on what we want to be, what we think is “good.” What we think is “great.” Not what others say we are. We make our decisions because it feels like the right thing to do.
I hope to do some great things in this lifetime. Not sure what that means to me yet, “to be great,” but it usually means receiving accolades from others because we do not live in isolation. And then I am exposing myself to more judgments from others. I will hope for appreciation, and hope to not be crushed by negativity. There I am, wanting positive judgments.
Either way, my goal is always to check my ego. If I am too in tune to what others are thinking of me or saying about me, then its time for me to breathe it out, go within and listen. If I follow what I know to be true, even if it puts me at risk with others, then I know I am doing what I am doing for what I consider the right reasons. When I have THOSE moments I feel completely in tune.
That’s such a good point, Meg…that we eat up the positive judgments and get angry at the negative ones. Hmmmmm…it’s a tough thing, huh? I guess it’s “to thine own self be true,” isn’t it?
“Plenty to prove to myself” – I like that! Isn’t that what we are doing anyway? Trying to manifest the awesomeness we know we have!! Somewhere, deep down, knocked silly or not, we know this and it scares us. But maybe, having faced something worse, like the loss of a loved one, lets us realize that we CAN handle more than we think, we WILL carry on, we ARE making progress!
So keep proving that to yourself!
Hugs,
Helen
.-= Helen´s last blog ..Oh peace train sounding louder =-.
And that’s where I am, Helen. I can handle more than I ever thought I could. I know I have a long way to go…I just want a little break for a while, ya’ know. I also agree that so many of us are scared of life…of failing…losing what we have…or being great. I can’t figure out that last part. I want to be great. Is there anything wrong with that? Not in my opinion…but I know there are those who would disagree that I deserve that title. No matter…I work toward it every day. I want that dash between birth and death…my Thirty Seconds…to be worthy of the gift I’ve been given. Thanks again for your comments. You’ve always been so supportive. How are things anyway? (I should save that for Facebook, huh?)
Continue to be good, H. You remain cool…
Hej hej! I am great thanks!!
(FB or not) I leave for Norway in about 11 days and until then it’s all about enjoying the moments, the people, Stockholm in spring time…I really can’t complain!
Who knows what will happen in life? I have been lucky so far, but obviously pain will come and hit me hard at some point. I know I will get through that…but probably, I will never be the same afterwards. Don’t think we ever are. That’s the change I’m talking about. And of course, greatness comes in many disguises….
Anytime, I’m always around! Thanks for all your support!
.-= Helen´s last blog ..Easier =-.
isn’t it just amazing that the death of someone you have shared your life with, your soul with, had children with can make you realize that you and the world are not at all what you thought. in my case, the sudden death of my husband, the healthiest, most positive person ever has forced me to re-think all my beliefs in life. we all like to think we are in control and that is the last thing we are, we think we know who we are and then with that death comes the loss of our idenity. i now have to find out who i really am. i was a daughter, a wife, a mother and a grandmother. my parents have died, my husband has died, my children are grown and independant, even my grandaughters are getting their own little lives that doesn’t always include me. and yes, now is the time you have no choice but to be true to yourself. grief has forced me to take care of myself ( as a woman, wife and mother that is usually the last thing we do) and only be a part of people when i feel love and support. so, baby steps, and i do take the steps, some days it is impossible so i just rest. i have no idea what is in store for me now but the pieces seem to continue to come together in the weirdest ways. another chapter in my life, not one i would have picked, but it sure has taught me to say what i think and do what feels right and listen to my heart!
Alaine you have such a positive tone here. I think that’s great. We are certainly not the only people to lose someone we love…but we know how much it hurts first hand…and that makes a big difference. Keep on moving when you want…and rest when you need to. “The pieces coming together…” is such a great thing. Do we bring them together…or that out of our control too? I think it’s both actually. Take care and thank you!
Andy, We all have had a lesson in life that we never asked for. Fourteen months have passed since I lost my husband. Life throws you curves that are totally unexpected. If someone had told me six months ago that I would be in a place where I am right now I would have told them they were crazy! My first boyfriend at age fifteen… my first kiss… tracked me down after 42 years. (He kept a picture of me for 42 years!) We are dating and life is starting to seem somewhat normal again.
Will it ever be the same… NO…but hopefully someday good again. He listens to me talk about Terry and is OK with it. Life goes on in spite of us! Hope you and your beautiful family are doing well.
Irene
Irene that is about the cutest thing I’ve ever heard! I’m so happy for you. Life is such an incredible thing. It’s certainly not a bed of roses…but there are some pretty great things along the way. Thanks for sharing!!
Hi Andy,
I remember our conversation last month at the studio. So many small things you said made so much sense. Your blog really helped me better understand your point of view… and I must say, it’s damn insightful. Although I’ve read a handful of your titles, there was something in ‘Knocked Silly’ that stuck with me. I think it was the theme in general, being ‘hit’ in some way which triggers the wake-up call.
We all walk through our day-to-day lives and barley take notice until we are carried up a mountain by actions/events or pulled down to the depths of the sea. I believe the bigger learnings come from the times we are dragged down to the depths. I don’t like the depths, but I’ve learned to welcome the lessons.
Thanks for writing the blog.
Scott
Thanks Scott! I’m so glad to see you stopped by. It means a ton to me…and I agree that it’s from the depths that we learn our most valuable lessons. Not sure why that is…but I think I have something new to ponder because you called it out. I know you’re a writer (and a great photographer too I might add) and your approval of what I write and say is just so great. Take care and I appreciate it very much. (I’m typing this on an iPad. Not a fan…)