Let the Dead Bury Their Dead. (Part I)
Mrs. Humphrey was a good woman. She had a good husband, and good children who went to a good school and got good grades. What’s more…she was a good friend to her good friends…and tried hard to see the good in all people. (Except for the ones she didn’t like.)
Like all good people she had some skeletons in her closet…but those days were long gone. She was sure those sins were forgiven and felt the life she now enjoyed was evidence of that fact. Yes…she had a good life…and why not? Our dear Mrs. Humphrey was a good person. ”I deserve it,” she thought.
Phoebe Ridley
Phoebe Ridley was not so lucky. By all accounts she had a bad life. Her marriage was bad…her kids were bad (she heard the whispers when she collected her kids from school)…she hated her job…and the sins of her past refused to let her go. Or better put…the world in which she lived refused to let her let them go.
Clearly the life she now lived was the result of sins committed, but not yet forgiven. Exactly who was supposed to forgive them she didn’t know. Phoebe forgave herself a long time ago.
Two sides of the same coin…
Neither Mrs. Humphrey nor Phoebe was inherently good or bad…it was the judgment of others that made them so. To the world Phoebe was bad…because her sins were public and laid bare for all to see. Mrs. Humphreys and her carefully chosen network of “good” people kept Phoebe’s past alive through the gossip they peddled at cocktail parties and book clubs throughout the city. It was one big game of “telephone” for them…and Phoebe was their favorite victim. (Though they would never admit they were doing anything of the kind.)
The good Mrs. Humphrey was fortunate to have her missteps buried deep down inside where no one could find them. Not her husband…not her friends…and certainly not people like Phoebe. Mrs. Humphrey buried her dead, hid the grave site, and moved on with her life. Why she wouldn’t allow the Phoebe’s of the world to do the same was a mystery…mostly to herself.
Why?
“Why” is a question Phoebe asked about many things…but mostly she wanted to know why she felt like she was supposed to pay reparations to the Mrs. Humphrey’s of the world…the good and clean…instead of to herself. Phoebe wanted to bury her sins…which were dead to her…and move forward and upward on the wings of lessons learned.
Phoebe wondered endlessly why other people cared in the first place. It weighed her down and spoiled too many days to count. That singular thought, “Why do they care what I did anyway?” messed with her mind because honestly she didn’t care about what other people did all that much.
It’s not because she was cold or insensitive…but because she knew that every one of us is responsible for our lives and what we do with it. To let the judgment of others dictate our actions is more damaging than the mistakes that lead to those judgments in the first place.
That singular realization might very well be called the greatest moment of Phoebe’s life. She stopped thinking about what all those good people expected of her…and started dreaming of the life she would make for herself from “this moment on.” And that changed everything.
Well, you said it was fiction, but fiction is always based on something factual. So, whether you can relate to either Mrs. Humphrey(I like how she doesn’t have a first name) or Phoebe, you may be doing the same thing. You may be living your life based on the labels that people have put on you. You might let other people define who you are. Why do people want to feel superior to others? Why do people feel it’s their place to make judgements about others? I suppose it’s because we feel better about ourselves when we are putting others down. We are all losing out when we do this though, because it’s our failures and our mistakes that make us human, that make us need each other, that make us grow. It’s in understanding that all human beings are flawed that we can learn to except each other and know that everyone has something to contribute to the world and no one person is any better than another. I struggle every day with wanting to be accepted (and worrying about judgement), and wanting to do what I think is right. Sometimes the two just don’t jive. Thanks for the post Andy. Thanks for reminding me that living true to my heart and my beliefs is more important than anyone else’s view or belief about ME!
I can relate to both of them, Lisa. This is all about judgment and my inability to understand why we think anyone owes us anything in terms of how they live. I know what my sins are…and you couldn’t be more right…our “failures” help us grow…and I guess that’s the point: who among us hasn’t done something we regret? I just don’t understand why there is this need to keep the past alive through the “telephone” thing. I’ve seen it happen time and again…and quite frankly I have enough trouble with MY life…let alone someone else’s.
Thanks for your comment, Lisa. There is a part II coming. These things…gossip…judgment…do much more harm than people understand.
My “sins” were/are leaving the church and leaving the faith.
Now my “sins” are ‘giving a shit about what people say about me.’
Loved this post. Thank you.
I hope you feel a bit lighter by not giving a sh*t, Zoe. It’s liberating huh? (And it’s not a sin to leave the church. Every church/faith thinks THEY have it right…and differing opinions/life styles lead straight to hell.) Thanks for your kinds words…be good. (Ya’ know…as you define it…)
akoehn´s last blog ..Say Hello to My Little Friend.
It feels lighter when I can pull it off but a lifetime habit is hard to break.
One step at a time, dear Zoe
Nice post…. Grief…. seems to also have it’s double side. There are the people that seem to know everything about the process, and the proper way it should be executed, the way you should act and feel, the things you should do and say (of course these are usually the ones that have not actually experienced it). They have plently to say to friends and neighbors about how they think you are handling the situation, for good or bad, depending on the story teller. It seems that no matter what you do, or how you are feeling there is someone ready to tell you that it is “not normal”.
So you keep it all in, you don’t let anyone know how things really are, and then I wonder can we be “normal” again?
Hi Lori,
I think this can apply to so many things…the judgment and gossip of others. There is a strange idea that there is an acceptable amount of time to grieve. Yet every single one of us…the sad and grieving…can only know when that time will come. I’m not even sure we recognize it when it is time to venture out and be “normal” again. (What is normal again? I was never normal…)
I want to be happy again. I say this without shame because I know how I felt about Laura…and there isn’t a person alive who was there with us…through the really awful times…especially the emotional ones. Yet they are all too ready to sit in judgment and tell the world how I should act…or what I should do…or how I should proceed.
Laura and I talked about life after she was gone…and despite some of the ways I handled the situation…she was kind enough to tell me that she wanted me to be happy. To not forget her (and how could I?)…but to be a good father and take care of myself and screw the people that don’t love me.
I find judgment to be the most damaging of actions we participate in. It holds people back…keeps them from moving forward…and getting as much out of life as they will allow themselves to have. Now that I’m in the grief stage I find that I shouldn’t move too quickly to being happy…according to other people. Something tells me if I’m not “over it” a year from now those same people will suggest that I’m hanging onto to the past and it’s time to move on.
You can let loose here anytime you feel the need to say how things “really are.” I know it’s not perfect…but I know NO ONE on the planet knows what it’s like to be you…and what you have to face every day. (That goes for everyone. We just need to be more careful about what we think we know is “right” for other people.)
Thanks for the visit.
akoehn´s last blog ..Life’s a Ditch…
Thank you for taking the time to care.