Loss, Open Doors, and Stuff…
[I have a bunch of half finished things sitting in files all over my computer. I just heard about a young woman who died from ovarian cancer. I never met her...don't know her parents...and probably never will...but I was sad for them. A Facebook friend asked me if I had any advice she could pass on to the young woman's parents. I didn't know quite what to say...and then I came across this entry that's been sitting in my drafts for about a month. It's almost as if it was waiting for the right time to post it. This life of ours never ceases to amaze me.]
What can I tell someone who feels alone and shaken because they’ve suffered a great loss? I guess I could say I understand…and while that might be true on some level…I don’t really know what it’s like for you.
I don’t know how scared you may be…or how hopeful…or how empty or shocked because your loss is personal to you…just as mine is to me.
Regardless of what I put out here…I cannot speak to you about the depth of your pain. To lose a job…or a child…or a spouse…or any number of unexpected happenings feels like a betrayal by Life. You made plans with a completely different ending in mind…and Life came along and punched you in the face. For me…I went from having THE life…to losing a life. It sucks. Flat out.
Somebody somewhere at sometime said something that is meant to give us hope in seemingly hopeless situations: ”When one door closes…another one opens.” (I can’t say exactly who it is because when I Google it I get Alexander Graham Bell or Helen Keller, among others.) It speaks of opportunity and healing…and growth and positive change…and that magic word: hope.
While I believe in this with all my heart…there is an unsaid truth behind it. Namely…we don’t know when it will happen. It’s that “when” part that will drive you crazy if you let it.
We want that new door to open instantaneously and for me at least…it didn’t. Maybe it’s opening too slow for me…and I get anxious. That’s the new fight for me. To accept where I am and live here…between the closing and opening doors.
It always brings me back to a theme I touch on again and again:
Here, NOW is where I am…and it is up to me to pay attention to it…and build my future from this spot…as painful and sad as it can be sometimes.
Oddly enough…when I accept that…Life comes along and gives me a little kiss on the cheek.
You know when you hear something or read something and it hits you right where you are at that moment? …you get the warmth of peace in your chest and it moves slowly through your being?
Well, Andy that is what this entry did for me just now. “and sometimes I want my new life to begin and I get that anxious feeling..”
but I know in my being that my new life has already begun and I am where I am because this is where I am supposed to be…..
“Oddly enough…when I accept that…Life comes along and gives me a little kiss on the cheek…” and man is this true….when I am conscious I feel the kisses…..and that is enough
thanks for the beautiful reminder my friend….
You’re welcome, Meg. As I said…this is something I wrote a while ago…and it was a good reminder for me today. I really needed it.
Take care…and thank YOU…
Hey Andy,
I have a theory that you meet people for the express purpose of who they can introduce you to that will guide you on your way….a sort of “bumping into” way of life. We all meet who we need to, when we need to, to further us along in our lives. So, I “met” you through my friend Sherry Quinn ( who knows you through HOF). She friended you in Facebook, so I did too. I started following your blog shortly before you lost your wife. I was heartbroken, reading your posts, but some how took a lot of what you said into my life.
So.
I recently lost my best friend to a pretty senseless accident. (aren’t they all?) Somehow (maybe a LITTLE weird) you have gotten me through the initial phases of my grief.
I just emailed this particular post to her husband (also a best friend). I’m hoping your words will help him, too.
Thanks, Andy, I really love reading your words.
All the best.
Joni
Wow…Joni…I hope it helps him. It’s funny because while we are not alone…we really are. Cliche’d as it is…at the end of the day…we are alone with ourselves. We’re the only ones who can change us…or live our life…even if we’re lucky enough to do it with someone we love.
It’s so nice of you to comment this way…and extremely nice of you to forward it to him. Of course I’m always available to talk with him. For now…maybe the blog will help.
Thank you again, Joni. (I think Sherry is the coolest BTW.)
Oh…and helping you get through the initial phases of your grief? Wow…I’m touched.
Best,
AK
“any number of unexpected happenings feels like a betrayal by Life”
..well said Andy.. sometimes Life is a tough pill to swallow.. especially when life betrays our dreams and expectations.
Hope you are well.
All the best, Bob
Thanks for coming back, Bob! It certainly can be a tough pill, huh? I don’t know…are we thinking too much? (That’s been my theme of the day…)
I hope you’re well too…
Powerful words, Andy! As you said, this posting came at a perfec time… I needed to be reminded to live in the present and accept my own reality, despite the fact that life is not what I had planned at the moment. But… there must be a reason for it! One thing I love about Life, is that always has a lesson for us… and it always give you a reason to smile…
I’ll definitely share these words of hope with one of my best friends who is going through a hard time… her mom is very sick. Cancer truly sucks!!!!
Thank you again for sharing your feelings with us.
Keep smiling
Evelyn
Hey Evelyn…
I hate hearing about your friends mom. That time is not fun at all. None of it. You can find some smiles in there…but nothing is the same when sickness is a constant companion. Yes…cancer really sucks.
Share it with her and I hope it helps of course.
Either way…we’ll keep smiling…
WOW Andy! THIS was great and honest writing! We all experience loss in different ways and no one can judge or say how much those things mattered to us…I think you said it all in this post.
“To accept where I am and live here…between the closing and opening doors”
I am ever so grateful for the sharing of thoughts.