As far as I’ve been able to tell we build an image of ourselves…a character…and fight like crazy to develop a storyline around what we hope we are…or want to become.  We choose our jobs, friends, lovers, clothes, cars, drink of choice, schools, hair styles, silverware, cologne…nearly every thing with an unconscious desire to create or uphold this character called, “me.”  (Wait.  Maybe for some people it is conscious.  I’ll have to get back to you on that.)

I’m not sure if our story creates our character or our character creates our story…but it’s amazing to see how quickly it all comes crashing down when an unforeseen twist enters the picture.

My script didn’t have a part in it for cancer husband and widowed father…and Laura certainly didn’t imagine she would have her life cut tragically short.  But that’s exactly what happened:  Laura suffered intense physical and emotional pain (some by my hand I’m sad to say) and I was left holding onto an irrelevant script as the world around us cried and left the theater.

I feel like I was left alone…wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next.  All I really wanted to do was leave the theater along with everyone else…and go back  home relieved it wasn’t me…and continue being the character I was for so much of my life.  Of course I couldn’t because this was/is my story…and it continues.

The Show Must Go On

The show(life) goes on whether we like our new storyline  or not.  We all face upsets and script changes in our lives.  Major sh*t like death…divorce…a layoff…illness…all those kinds of things collide with our ideas of how our lives are supposed to be.  And so we struggle against what we picture ourselves to be…and what the scene we are living calls for.

I think that might be the cause of so much craziness in the world.  I know some people who can improvise nearly every situation they are in…and they are damn happy…and damn lucky.  They are the few…and I’m joining their ranks.  (Or at least I’ll die trying.)

I’ve been type cast

So here I am…playing the lead role in “Andy Koehn the Sequel.”  It’s been about 4 years since that first major rewrite and I’ve moved from husband, father, business guy, who’s willing to try just about anything to widower, father, and business guy who’s fearless in a much different way.  (Sound like it happened so quickly in that last run-on sentence but man it was  L-O-N-G road.)

As much as I don’t want to believe it I’ve been typecast in the minds of other characters that have played a part in my life…just as I played a part in theirs.  At this point in their story I’m supposed to be the pained survivor…sullen…remorseful…sad…spent…and even.

The thing is I’m changing my character to anything but that and as odd as it sounds…they don’t like it.

There are actually people who can’t understand how I can be happy…and laugh…and dream…and “put myself out there” when Laura died.  They think I moved on too quickly and I’m crass and unfeeling and disrespectful to all that she went through.  They’ve written a part for me to keep their storyline on track…but I’m not delivering their lines and so I’m out of their picture show.  (Unless  they need me for something else.)

I think that really sucks but I’ll be damned if I play that part for them.  My character has developed into something I never asked for or dreamed I would become.  My character is the result of my story…and I’m writing my story from inside the role I’m creating.

As George Carlin once said, “The only person in life who is with us our entire life is ourselves.”  That is about the truest thing I’ve ever heard.

I have to live with my new self  and only now do I realize it’s been that way all along.  Since I can see we are in charge of the person we are I’m going to do my best to make sure he’s someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I care what other people think…but there is no way I’m going to live down to their expectations.  I have my own story to write.