Say Hello to My Little Friend.
There’s a new something that I’ve noticed lately. I felt it very keenly this morning as I did a lingering last look at my 2 youngest heading off to school. I had a proud/sad smile stuck on my face. Proud for what they are becoming as they carry on in Laura’s absence. Sad because I know that all too quickly I will be wishing for the days when I could see them off to school.
I’m Mr. Thirty Seconds though…so I shook it off and just basked in the reality that they were in fact walking to school together…and I was there watching them…and the sun was out…and so it was a great start to this Monday morning.
Say Hello to My Little Friend
As I turned to run upstairs I felt so, so lucky for the life I am living. I did the energetic bound up the stairs and that’s when I felt him…my little friend. (The past me would have been talking about you-know-what…but I’m not. If you don’t know the reference you are operating at a higher level…keep it that way.) No. My new friend is another part of the loss thing. He’s here and I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get rid of him…but I believe I will. Oh…his name: GUILT.
How Can I?
How can I feel things like pride…happiness…hope and excitement…when I look at my children…knowing that Laura wanted more than anything to see them grow up? It’s not fair. They were her life…they really were.
Why am I the one that gets to carry on and be and do more? I can see how getting stuck in those questions could make me feel like I’m paying homage to Laura and her memory. Like somehow holding onto the sadness for what she lost is a responsibility…or a debt I owe her.
I acknowledge the unfairness of it all…that we miss her but will never see her again except in pictures and our memories. I know better than anyone that we will never hear her sweet laughter or dry but telling jokes. She deserved to live…but she didn’t. And so I have to acknowledge that reality too.
I think that’s how I’m going to get rid of my little friend…or at least keep him small.
If I let that little bastard (guilt) grab on…and hang on…this world won’t be a single notch better for it. I won’t be better…nor will my kids or the people we love. And really…what on earth will it do for Laura? (I hope that’s not too harsh.)
So I’m going to revel in this feeling despite Mr. Guilt’s whisperings to the contrary. I don’t think he likes my positive feelings very much so he won’t hang around where he’s not wanted. I really don’t care about him anyway. Screw you Little Buddy…it’s a beautiful day.
I was welling up…..till the last line, then burst into laughter…thanks for that Andy!!
Well thank you for reading, Heidi. I didn’t know it was welling up worthy…but I’m so glad you got a laugh out of it at the end. It’s just how things roll. Thanks again…for everything!
akoehn´s last blog ..Iron Deficiencies…
Sometimes life seems like a movie scene that always has a happy ending. Instead you find you’re in the wrong theater and a Rocky Horror Picture Show has been playing. Guilt appears to be a strong lead actor, but there is great power in his being upstaged. We can smile on our way out of theater of life, when guilt is dead and instead people, like you, are nudging us to go back for another glimpse of this movie of life theater. We may think we have tasted the best buttered popcorn during life and discover this might just be intermission. I look forward to the final scene with confidence. It is a happy ending. Guilt and death are both defeated.
Wes…this is such a great comment and I want to say thank you for it. I hear exactly what you’re saying about life being a movie…and we…the actors and viewers expect that we will have a happy ending. It’s uncanny because I use that metaphor often.
There was a time after diagnosis when I wouldn’t watch a movie because it made me jealous…or something close to it…definitely some anger there…but I couldn’t watch because it seemed everything always worked out in the end. Even if someone died…the living still had contact with them with outstretched arms to the bright blue sky. I couldn’t handle it. I was such a self-absorbed baby.
In many ways I still am…but I’m working on it. Thank you again. You can comment on here anytime!
you did it again! Keep him small, bastard is a great name. If we name it, then it’s real. We can only deal with what is real. Hope you don’t mind if I share this with my buddies? Well, even if you do, I’m gonna do it anyway. Have a great day, a great life, and glad to know you are fighting your battle with such great strength. Cheers my friend!
I love that, Floy-Dean! “…even if you do, I’m gonna’ do it anyway.” That made me smile. Of course…share away…and cheers right back! Thank you very, very much reading
akoehn´s last blog ..Iron Deficiencies…
Floy-Dean
Actually guilt is not fatherless. His paternity was tested many times and the father of lies is there in his every conception. He returns with many different faces to deceive our fragile processes of growing up. We can face today knowing he can be conquered by his arch enemy, truth. The ending to be truth, doesn’t have to be the way WE want it. We can sometimes even find joy in the battle knowing guilty pleasures stand little comparison to lasting memories and future joys. I say down with guilt and up with truth. Well, for today that’s where I am.
My first comment after a long pause, feeling more like my normal abnormal self…I like this, I agree with this. Mine was suffering, I felt guilty if I did not feel suffering because how could I deserve pure happiness when so much of the World suffered…..Martyr Complex. In learning to let it go, I learned I am bringing more light to the World. Why add guilt to increase suffering?
Great for you Andy! You’re a gift my friend…..thank you
That’s exactly it…isn’t it, Meg? “Martyr Complex.” It’s almost like it’s programmed into us somehow. It is also true and something I’m learning…I won’t be much good to anyone if I don’t let go of that guilt. (Which means I’ll feel guilty about not being any good to anyone. Oh what to do?)
You have been so great to me and I’m thankful. Take care of yourself…
“I have to acknowledge that reality” – great thought Andy!
Life goes on whether we engage it or not.. better to embrace it than to deny it.. false-guilt is a boat anchor we sometimes like to drag around.. glad you have cut the chain to it
Kansas Bob´s last blog ..Intoxicating Truth
Hey wait…how come the people who comment are better writer’s than me? It’s true that “…life goes on whether we engage in it or not.” I’m stealing that. (But I’ll give you royalties of course…) Thanks, KB!
I have been trying to think of some suitable comment to make Andy, but I just couldn’t come up with something which would adequately convey how much my heart grieves for what you are going through.
In the end, I decided to share this from the great Abe Lincoln “It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: ‘And this, too, shall pass away.’”
Hard as it is to imagine when you are in the midst of your pain, I have found that this is true for all of us in the end, no matter what our circumstances. Of course the hard part is staying with that pain when you are in the moment and not fighting it…do tell us when you discover the secret to that won’t you?
Marie´s last blog ..Our scars tell our stories
Ah my Marie…I’m so glad to your comment here. Thank you for that quote…of course it’s true…and does bring a bit of relief doesn’t it. I only know one way to stay with the pain…and that’s to stay with the pain. There is no in between. On a positive note…it seems when you really focus on it and give it full attention it goes away that much quicker. Well…”goes away” may be a bit of an over promise…softens maybe.
Thank you for reading and the comment. You better be ready to get drunk when I come to Ireland
akoehn´s last blog ..Iron Deficiencies…
Andy I like that idea of the pain softening a little. I know in my heart and soul this is the way to handle pain…I just gotta get my head around it now!
Dearest Andy,
And of course it seems not enough words can fully express how my heart feels when I read You. Softening truly is the way in, isn’t it? And its in that process that we can really feel what it truly means to be human. So good reading you again. =)
-S
universeknows´s last blog ..Staying with It
Thank you, S. A journey, right? Let’s do this thing! You have such a cool style…I know I’ve said that before…but I’ll keep saying it. Have a great day!
Andy, you are so right about guilt….it can’t stand to see you feeling good. I’m glad you plan to kick it to the curb and ignore it. I had to crack up at the reference to your little buddy…I’m not one of those operating at a higher level
Barbara´s last blog ..Finishing the Tattoo
Us lower level types need to stick together, Barbara! Thanks for the visit and the comment. Hope all is well in your life…
Andy, I’m proud of you.Don’t let anything stop you from enjoying your life.The children needs a father who can be strong and courageous in this battle called life.Dream, love, and enjoy your 30 sec. Live life to the fullest!Your friend praying for you in Indiana.Cindy