I saw a man tending to his wife’s freshly dug grave this morning. It was covered in Christmas wreaths…small trees with bright red bows…and a few floral arrangements that blew over from the sharp Wisconsin winds.
He came to grieve…but the weather strewn ornamentation’s created a task that needed to be addressed first. He went straight to work righting everything into an orderly layout that was worthy of a loving Christmas send off. He stood back…satisfied. Then hung his head and cried the way a man does sometimes.
This time of year has a certain sting to it when people and situations we once knew are gone. I know nothing specific about the grave tending man’s story…but I can tell you from both experience and observation that he is hollow at this “…most wonderful time of the year.” It sucks…and I can say with some confidence that this is going to be a very shitty Christmas for him.
Out of Great Sorrow…Comes Great Joy
A few weeks ago my son asked me why so many Holiday movies are about families where the mom dies. I told him that people like sad stories as long as it’s not them. ”I guess when it’s over it makes people breathe a sigh of relief and feel lucky for what they have” I said. He nodded his head and replied, “I still don’t like them.” Fair enough.
I’ve been in that movie as most of you know. I know that sad story. I know that man from the graveyard. I’m also a movie-goer at this point…watching people like the Christmas Grave Tender and feeling thankful that this year it isn’t me. As cold as this may sound…his sadness reminded me of all I have to be thankful for.*
Out of great sadness…came joy. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet.
Andy,
What a beautiful story about life’s cycles. It is likely most of us will be grave tenders one day, but those of us who have been there can appreciate that time heals us sooner or later. We don’t stop to take a breath often enough, so we often miss the changes we go through because they are so gradual. That’s why being grateful for not being the grave tender probably caught you off guard. Congratulate yourself on your healing AND your compassion for him. We both know the grave tender will probably find himself in your shoes one day sooner or later thinking exactly what you thought; because like it or not life goes on and carries us to where we are supposed to be whether we go with the flow or if we try to swim against the tide. I think it’s ok to be grateful for the relief thathealing brings and more importantly to share the hope that life will return to normal, even if our normal is redefined.
“…because like it or not life goes on and carries us to where we are supposed to be whether we go with the flow or if we try to swim against the tide.” Man that is SO true isn’t it, Stephanie? Very well put…frame worthy I think.
There’s so much in this comment to talk about that I guess I’ll just leave it at THANK YOU. (Though “…normal is redefined” is also something that strikes me as a better way of saying it.)
Relief…I think that’s what I felt. I’m not sure how I feel about that either…but it’s probably the right thing given the reality of everything.
Thanks again and have a Happy and Merry Everything…
AK
thanks for sharing andy…i always appreciate your insight…it is my third christmas without my husband and it does not seem to get easier…i do have lots to be grateful for….just still miss my husband. wishing you and your family peace…
And I appreciate your comments and openness, Alaine. Wishing you the same…
I believe you will always miss the person , the love and and part of that life but..you can look to the days and appreciate what you had and have now and enjoy the memories you shared and look forward to new memories you will be making. Stephanie is correct. It can suck and then it can be joy again.
I guess the grave tender is a reminder for all of us that people struggle for various reason in this season. Tonight I will be briefly sharing about “My Longest Week” with a few folks at a service in Kansas City called “The Longest Night”. It is a time where folks that are hurting gather together acknowledging that this is a tough time of the year for them. I will be sharing simple lessons that I learned this summer watching my wife Ann struggle for her life breathing with the help of a ventilator. And hoping that a few folks will go away encouraged.
Kansas Bob´s last [type] ..The Longest Night
I think a grave tender handles the task while a grace watcher could guard the memories. They might be stuck in the mire of discontentment with the present.
I think I’d like to grow to be a grave celebrant, a joy bringer, a hope filled happiness hound. I’d be capable of arriving at the weathered headstone and smile as a single tear glided down my face. I’d hear a sweet melody and the screen in my mind would be filled with those moments, hours, and days of sheer joy that made me feel life. I might even feel a slight breeze gently remind me that today I am different, but better because I invested myself in life with the person represented here by a head stone. I’d probably lay a single flower down at my feet, straighten myself upright, and grab a deep breath that fills my lungs. As I moved myself away from the grave, I’d begin to laugh aloud. I see that I have the choice and capacity to walk away from that grave. I have the chance to see Joy in the faces of loved ones. I’d run back to life and celebrate with everyone else.
That is where I’d like to be. I am moving back into life and grabbing ahold of all I can so that when my turn comes to use my 6 foot real estate investment next to my wife, I can hear other visitors proclaim, “He celebrated and lived life.” I know that is what I hear from her grave. NO REGRETS.
Holy cow, Wes! What an amazing thing you just wrote here. You are right…of course. And how fortunate you to recognize your strength. Really…if we all could accept that…I believe death wouldn’t be such a scary thing.
Actually I’m rambling because I don’t know what to say that you didn’t already. (Is that proper english?)
Thank you very much for the comment! (I’m going to pass this on to someone that needs to hear this very much right now…)
GRATITUDE…..LIVE IN THE MOMENT WITH THIS WORD IN THE FRONT OF YOUR MIND…THERE ARE ALWAYS THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR YET SOO MANY DWELL ON THE NEGATIVES, ALWAYS, ALWAYS REMEMBER GRATITUDE IN EVERY SITUATION…IT WILL AMAZE YOU ALL OF THE THINGS YOU CAN FIND TO BE GRATEFUL FOR, NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON.