Sometimes I feel like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” when he’s standing on the bridge after finding out the world was not a better place because he had never been born. He is crying to God, “I want to live again. I want to live again. Please God…let me live again.”
I’m trying pretty hard to live again…the way I used to…but I don’t trust the universe anymore. I hate that. I used to know that everything I did would lead to something bigger than where I was. I don’t know if it’s an age thing or the result of getting my teeth kicked in. I think I’m gun shy and I’m not sure I have any reason to be.
I feel so lucky on one hand because so many incredible experiences have happened since diagnosis. I don’t think I ever shared this before but I mark the events in my life as happening “before diagnosis,” or “after diagnosis.” Kind of like BC and AD. (Interesting that that could stand for Before Cancer and After Diagnosis. Hmmm…)
What blows about my distrust is that the “good” things that are happening are watered down by a feeling that somehow, someway the same fist that crushed me before is going to come along and beat me again. What a crappy feeling.
I’ve always envied people that have faith in the workings of life. I meet them all over the place and wonder how they do it. Maybe that’s the point…they don’t think too hard about it…they just do it. They just live…on purpose… where they are…and take life as it comes. I’m going to be that guy someday.
And how are you going to do that?
I’m going to do the same thing I did when Laura was nearing the end. I’m going to sit and feel where I am…”drink it in,” as a friend of mine says…and keep my head where my feet are. All we can ever live is this moment, right? I can answer that with a resounding YES because being in the moment…no matter how suffocating I imagined it was…carried me through some awfully dark nights and days.
And so I’ve taken a long journey back to where I was. I am learning yet again that the only way to grab as much life out of our :30 seconds as we can is to strip down our present moment to what actually is…and live there as we decide what to do next.
There is ALWAYS a decision to be had…even if that decision is to feel sorry for ourselves. I honestly don’t think the universe cares one way or another. This is our life…and it’s up to us to move forward with faith or with doubt…or not move forward at all. Right now I’m moving forward with doubt…but at least I’m moving forward. I hope to trust the universe again…but until that day comes I’m going to live THIS day…fears and all.
Oh Andy..what can I say except I readily indentify with what you have written here. I’m afraid I’m all out of words of wisdom for you today..but know that somewhere in this unpredictable world is an Irish girl who understands ((hugs))
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Poetry Friday =-.
Thanks, Marie. I’m glad you get it. This is definitely not my favorite post…but I felt like expressing it. You remain my favorite Irish girl ever
Well said Andy, well said. I know of what you speak, the deep pain from the fear of the unknown. Sometimes to steady my breath I repeat “This too shall pass” AND the Serenity Prayer. Sometimes I need to say it 3 or 4 times in a row before I feel enough lift to focus on what needs to be done. And sometimes the unknown is wonder-full, this day is enough…I wonder if this is part of being human, and we all feel this in varying degrees at varying times, from whatever wallops have come our way.
For whatever its worth you are not alone. I am one of many who supports you from afar. Love to all….
It sucks not being in control of our lives. I so resonate with not trusting the universe anymore.. bad stuff happens and it does not seem that everything happens for a reason. That said, I feel blessed to be alive. This may not be the life I dreamed of but it ain’t bad.
Hope your weekend is going well Andy.
.-= Kansas Bob´s last blog ..Movies that should Never be Remade =-.
Don’t you just hate that feeling, KB? “This may not be the life I dreamed of but it ain’t bad.” I’m with ya’…